Let's overturn these tables

I had a couple of disturbing conversations recently. Several different friends commented they feel their Christian upbringing was harmful in some ways.

Most of them still identify as Christians, though perhaps with a little less confidence. But one couple are now agnostic about their former Christian belief.

Obviously this isn’t good. So what goes wrong?

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Problems …..

Proverbs 22:6 says: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”

Yet it doesn’t always work out that way. Kids raised in strong Christian homes can end up turning away in doubt or disbelief.

Here are a few issues I’ve observed (almost all are based on real people I know).

Traumatic stories

It is easy to find colourful kids’ story books of Old Testament stories like Noah’s flood, Abraham almost sacrificing his son and David killing Goliath. But some children find the killing traumatic (an infants school child asked a teacher friend if God really killed all those people in the flood).

The idea of hell, and the fear of eternal damnation, can be even more traumatic for a child, and really for a sensitive adult too. I am convinced Jesus’ statements on hell have been badly misunderstood, and anyone still believing in eternal conscious torment should seriously study the subject, and at the very least not teach it to their children.

The trauma, or at least the disquiet, can last into adulthood and poison a person’s belief in a loving God. These are not children’s stories and they’re better left for discovery much later in life when they have the maturity to consider the various ways we might explain these stories, and perhaps no longer see them as true understandings of God at work in the world..

Expectations & control

An over zealous Christian parent can so want their child to grow up to serve God in a particular way (e.g. become a missionary or pastor) that they crush the child with expectations, or a controlling upbringing.

It can be hard to break out of such expectations and be true to who God has made you, without giving up faith completely, and without breaking the parent-child relationship as the child reaches adulthood. I know of someone who has taken years to escape this trauma.

It is important for parents to remember that their child is also God’s child, and they are responsible to him for their stewardship of that child. Also, the child is the parents’ brother or sister in Christ, with equal status before God, and therefore not to be subject to coerciove control.

Over-strict upbringing

Of course Christian parents want their child to grow up with a strong faith and a deeply-based morality. But over-strict discipline based on rigid rules can be traumatising. Limiting a child’s real choices can lead to stunted growth and rebellion against the parent and the faith they have been taught.

God gives us all choice, and we parents must learn to give our children elbow room to grow ethically and to learn how to depend on the Holy Spirit for guidance..

Not walking the talk

It is obvious that parents who teach ethics and beliefs they don’t follow themselves are setting their children up to disrespect Christian faith. None of us is perfect, so sharing with humility, and apologising when required are necessary parts of Christian parenting.

Making promises on God’s behalf

Most Christians believe a positive faith is better and more truthful than a negative one that focuses on sin and judgment. But sometimes parents can give a child the expectation that God will always come through with answers to prayers and his side of a “personal relationship”.

But sadly, not everyone has that experience of God, and some Christians can find over-promising and under-delivery leads to disbelief.

Overtaken by change

The history of the church has been one of change and adaptation – right from the inclusion of Gentiles in the church (starting with Peter & Cornelius), through changes in understanding of Genesis with the science of evolution, to changes in understanding of gender roles.

The culture around us changes too, and Christians have always needed to adapt, so that the principles of the good news of the Kingdom of God are exprssed in relevant and understandable ways to each new generation and each new situation.

It is thus likely that all of us have later questioned some things we used to believe. And thus likely that dogmatically teaching our children “facts” about some less core aspects of faith and the Bible may lead them to later in life critically question what they have been taught – and so wonder about the rest.

Critical thinking

Keeping difficult issues out of a child’s experience, or frowning on their questioning, can mean they don’t learn critical thinking. And so they may not learn about arguments and informatiion that attack Christian faith, and so they are ill equipped with the knowledge and critical thinking skills they may need to answer these issues if they arise.

People can lose their faith that way – even though there may be good answers to those questions, they haven’t explored them.

Ten ideas for ways forward

I’m sure there are other examples of ways a Christian upbringing can be unhelpful. But there’s no need to outline them all. The important thing is to be aware of the problem and try to address it. Here’s a few thoughts.

Our children are God’s children

Let’s not lose sight of these facts. Our children may be under our care for a time, but they are equally God’s children as we are. They are our brothers and sisters as well as our children.

So we must always pray for them, for we have spiritual repsonsibility for them. But we can also treat them as equals before God.

Respect children’s understanding

Let’s take an interest in what our children are doing and thinking. Relationships based on mutual respect and honesty take time to maintain. We can listen, ask non-threatening and non-invasive questions. Try to understand their world and issues. Validate their thoughts and questions.

Don’t pressure or force spiritual responses

God doesn’t force himself on us but gives us the responsibility to make life choices. While we must keep our children safe and healthy, and must teach them what is important, we must leave them space to learn to be guided by the Holy Spirit.

Controlling behaviour can be tempting, but can leave a child less mature and traumatised.

Don’t be afraid or shocked 

It is good to learn not to be afraid of different views. Not to be shocked at new ideas or behaviours that don’t fit our worldview. We can accept that the Spirit may be teaching God’s people new things that weren’t important in the past, and our children may be more open to this than we adults are.

Even if we disagree, it is good to understand before we offer an alternative view.

“Youth is made for heroism”

A quote from Tony Campolo, which we have found to be true. Asking young christians (or anyone else for that matter!) to sit around and listen is depriving them of the opportunity to do something heroic. The more idealistic want to change the world, which is exactly Jesus’ agenda.

Encourage questions & discussion

In this world, with internet, mobile phones and AI, our children are going to face all sorts of questions, and get information from all sorts of places. I suggest it is best to manage that rather than fight it.

So encourage questions. Discuss ideas that they or us find around us. Show them they are free to ask questions, raise doubts, think of alternatives. And discuss how we might respond to those ideas.

We can share principles, model christian living and ask challenging questions. Then pray and trust the Holy Spirit to lead them. This way we can encourage them to learn for themselves, from each other and from the Spirit.

This is how people grow and mature, and how they learn to navigate this world of ideas.

Model Christian living

Actions often speak louder than words. How our children live is often a reflection of how they’ve seen us live.

Parents can pray with their children. Apologise when we misunderstand them or act wrongly.Try as best we can to live out the values we want to teach them.

And we can try to find other good role models for them so we’re not the only soruce of example for them.

Involve them in ethical & social issues

Encourage empathy and compassion for the poor and suffering, from a very young age. Even young children can appreciate the joy of giving a TEAR card from the Useful Gift Catalogue. I have seen a primary age child writing letters for Amnesty campaigns for prisoners of conscience.

Encourage them to seek the kingdom of God with high priority. To see ethical living, sharing our faith, caring for the poor and knowing God as all part of one big adventure and challenge of being Jesus’ disciples in this broken world.

And we can take them to protests or vigils on political and social issues that are important for the kingdom of God.

Give varied experiences

Simply attending our home church may be limiting on our children’s spiritual growth. It is good for them to know there are other ways that Christians do things, other ways that they believe.

Taking them to different churches, different activities, meeting different types of people, can all be helpful in broadening their understanding of the world and the kingdom of God.

Keep growing

Let’s choose to get out of our denominational bubbles and go to conferences, read challenging books, watch videos and listen to podcasts from challenging experts. Let’s make sure we have real answers to the difficult questions – or admit we don’t know.

Training & equipping

What does the church exist for?

Jesus gave us the command (Matthew 28:18-20) to make disciples – people who are following Jesus too. That is surely one of the purposes of the church, if not the main purpose.

Making disciples isn’t the same as making converts, but entails taking people on from their faith commitment to living as a forgiven child of God.

So raising our children to be disciples of Jesus is a primary purpose of the church.

So let’s equip parents!

So it seems clear to me that churches could use their resources – time in services or special purpose groups, the skills of experienced parents and other members – to help parents in this sacred responsibility of raising children.

I believe training and equipping parents is one of the most important tasks churches can do.

Photo: Ron Lach.

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